Confusion reigns as England team insists it hasn’t already retired from international football
London’s glittering West End downgraded to sparkly
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Energy companies appeal for calm as lucky pant washing overwhelms national grid
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Cake tin sales soar as geek proves they get better reception than new Iphone
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Millions complain as ITV fails to interrupt England game with ad breaks
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Milibands to join forces; will be known as Dedward
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Cameron and Clegg regret mention of Jedward; coalition leaders now known as Dick
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Germany asks Britain for its Elgin Marbles back
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Government denies being out of touch after banning hashtags
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Glass ceiling abolished as HSE insist on toughened UPVC replacements