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Capello raises fears of breakaway England team

In a tense news conference at Wembley this morning, Fabio Capello raised suspicions over a possible breakaway national side.

“This Bridge business is fishy, you know”, the Italian manager suggested, “first Jamie Carragher says he doesn’t want to play for me, then it’s Luke Young at right back. Now suddenly there’s a third defender – a holier than thou trinity, no?”.

Rumours are circulating around the FA headquarters of a rival national team being put together, although suggestions that they will be called New England are believed to be very wide of the mark. Fears are growing for the England midfield, with either Gerrard or Lampard widely expected to be next to publicly fall out.

With just a few months to go until the World Cup finals, Capello is obviously keen to make sure his best players resist any temptation to join the scab XI. He finished by declaring ‘Hey Heskey, your wife is a fantastic lay, she is very good at playing in the hole, no? What you say about that, hey?’.

Climate change causes London 2012 to merge Summer and Winter Olympics

There was a surprise announcement today from Sebastian Coe that London 2012 will be the first ever combined Summer and Winter Olympics. A combination of climate change and the credit crunch has led to emergency plans being formalised for the new games format.

Many sports will be affected by the new icy track and field rules. Javelin Jumping will see competitors with skis launched off the end of a 70 metre ramp carrying a large spear, whilst Discus Dancing will see large, steroid-filled Eastern Europeans in sparkly leotards launch their discs at the end of a triple salchow with toe loop; spectators in rows A-M should wear appropriate headgear. Competitors in the pool will also have to contend with frozen conditions. Swimmers will be allowed to slide on glorified tea trays, the water polo players will skate on horses, whilst only the very brave will enter the high-diving event.

The BBC will be the host broadcaster of this sporting first, with lead commentator Stuart Hall excitedly proclaiming ‘haaaaa, haaaa, oooh, he’s mmmmwaaahaaaaa, spppppp, mnahhhh oh ho ho ho ho, mwaaaaahaahahaaaaa’.

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