Cake tin sales soar as geek proves they get better reception than new Iphone
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Glass ceiling abolished as HSE insist on toughened UPVC replacements
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Winter Paralympics begins in tragedy with mobility scooter death in the bobsleigh
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Wedding anniversaries updated for modern age
An announcement today saw the traditional wedding anniversary gifts updated, after changes in both global finances and people.
Couples celebrating their first anniversary will now be rewarded with lycra rather than the usual cotton, as post-nuptial waistlines continue to expand. Paper will continue to certify the second anniversary, although this will no longer include share certificates which have no perceived value whatsoever.
Subsequent milestones will now include Bacardi Breezer (3rd), takeaway (4th) and Sky+ (5th). The biggest loser in the traditional list is gold, which drops from 50th to 8th thanks mostly to a dreadful offer from Postalgold, whilst new entries include the 4×4 (16th), iPhone (20th) and Ocado delivery (30th).
The platinum anniversary is to become the good school catchment anniversary, acknowledging just how few people reach the ultimate milestone. One such couple were Reginald and Edith Pincent, although Reg was heard to say ‘I’ve thought it would have been easier to commit murder ever since we celebrated our Manolo Blahnik’.
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Photoshop celebrates 20th birthday; looks no more than 16
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Climate change causes London 2012 to merge Summer and Winter Olympics
There was a surprise announcement today from Sebastian Coe that London 2012 will be the first ever combined Summer and Winter Olympics. A combination of climate change and the credit crunch has led to emergency plans being formalised for the new games format.
Many sports will be affected by the new icy track and field rules. Javelin Jumping will see competitors with skis launched off the end of a 70 metre ramp carrying a large spear, whilst Discus Dancing will see large, steroid-filled Eastern Europeans in sparkly leotards launch their discs at the end of a triple salchow with toe loop; spectators in rows A-M should wear appropriate headgear. Competitors in the pool will also have to contend with frozen conditions. Swimmers will be allowed to slide on glorified tea trays, the water polo players will skate on horses, whilst only the very brave will enter the high-diving event.
The BBC will be the host broadcaster of this sporting first, with lead commentator Stuart Hall excitedly proclaiming ‘haaaaa, haaaa, oooh, he’s mmmmwaaahaaaaa, spppppp, mnahhhh oh ho ho ho ho, mwaaaaahaahahaaaaa’.
Posted 6 months, 2 weeks ago. Add a comment
Clinton undergoes heart surgery after not inhaling for decades