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A&E departments put on red alert for two days without sport

Accident & Emergency departments were put on the highest alert this morning, at the start of two whole days without sport.

With Wimbledon finishing yesterday and The Ashes not beginning until Wednesday, reports were coming in this morning of cack-handed men emerging from the sofa to tackle the backlog of DIY, often with devastating results.

“We warned that this would happen”, said Liz Matthews of The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, “The start of the cricket season overlapped nicely with the end of the football, and the under 21 tournament segued nicely into Wimbledon, but this gap was always a concern. We urged the authorities to arrange a darts tournament or even just a snooker friendly, but they wouldn’t listen. And now it’s carnage out there”.

The first casualty, Dave Philips from Stockport, was rushed to hospital after drilling through his foot whilst trying to clean the windows. “I’m not really DIY-fit”, he revealed, “I’ve had no preparation this year and that’s shown through under the pressure of being out there on the ladder. Still, apparently my hospital bed’s TV has got Sky, so I can put my foot up and relax. Is it time for my bed bath yet nurse?”.

Aussies drop three year old from Ashes squad after Vaughan’s retirement

Reese Chandler, the Aussie bowling prodigy, was today sensationally dropped from the Ashes squad to play England.
The news came after Michael Vaughan announced his retirement from cricket, taking the decision when his three year old son Archie had bowled him during a back yard knockabout. With Vaughan’s weakness to 2 foot high spin bowlers no longer an issue, Ricky Ponting took the difficult decision to drop Chandler from the squad for the first test.
“Obviously we have a plan for all of the Pommie batsmen”, said Ponting. “Pietersen’s susceptible to the early short ball, whereas Strauss is always uncertain just outside off stump. We’d worked hard to bring Reese up to match fitness, even though he did like a nap during the afternoon session, so it a shame that all that hard work came to nothing.”
Master Chandler apparently took the news badly, screaming ‘I hate you, I hate you’ at all and sundry. Although he was safely tucked up in bed by 7pm, which is more than can be said for the rest of his teammates.