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Gordon Brown fails to hit targets

Gordon Brown gives up for Lent

Commons outrage after revelation that Gordon Brown has also sold nation’s Frankincense and Myrrh reserves

Gordon Brown was ‘plotting regime change’ as far back as 1997

Secret papers revealed today that Gordon Brown had been plotting the overthrow of a corrupt, secretive dictatorship as far back as 1997.

The regime’s weapons had been revealed in the press: sincere smile, doleful eyes and that weird puppet-like hand gesture. With the right appearance money, they could be deployed in as little 45 minutes, as long as there were enough photographers present.

Thousands call for replay after Brown handles the economy

Channel 4 apologises for technical issues during 3D documentary on Gordon Brown’s personality

Government announces plans to electrify Gordon Brown

The Government unveiled plans yesterday to update its heavy, old-fashioned laughing stock with a newer model.

This will mean that the British public will now be able to complete the journey to Rack & Ruin in record time. Passenger Tax is forecast to rise considerably as a result, according to many business analysts.

Tributes flood in after the death of the last remaining Socialist policy

With government plans announced this week for people of retirement age to be taxed £20,000 for the cost of future care, tributes began to flood in for the death of the eldest Socialist policy.

Free elderly care for all first saw active service at the same time as the birth of the NHS, spanning millennia, two Iraq wars and one world cup final. The policy had been quoted only recently as ‘having witnessed horrors that I’ll never forget’ at a commemoration service for free dental care.

The biggest tribute came in from a former colleague, now reduced to a barely coherent, rambling state. Prime Minister Gordon Brown said ‘free elderly care will be fondly remembered by everyone, except those incapacitated with debilitating mental illness of course, as a tremendous policy bringing comfort to all of us. But he joins old friends Freedom of Speech, Lower Taxes and Pacifism in the annals of history. He gave so much and now, if you’re in your early sixties, it’s your turn. And if you don’t like it, I’ll put you on an easyJet flight to Switzerland”.

Gordon Brown is urged to bow out with dignitas

Parliament united today over calls for the Prime Minister to leave Westminster with immediate effect, rather than go through political suicide at the polls.

“He’s been limping along now for a while”, revealed one cabinet source, “and it’s time to give him a push to put him out of his misery. He’d be doing the British taxpayer a service, and adding one way passenger duty to the coffers”.

Rumours abound that the PM may in fact be planning a new Government funded initiative, tentatively called Calamitas.

Brown regrets reprise of Churchill speech at War Commemoration event

“Never was so much owed by so many” not so well received this time around, confirmed a Labour spin doctor.