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Confusion reigns as England team insists it hasn’t already retired from international football

Millions complain as ITV fails to interrupt England game with ad breaks

Capello raises fears of breakaway England team

In a tense news conference at Wembley this morning, Fabio Capello raised suspicions over a possible breakaway national side.

“This Bridge business is fishy, you know”, the Italian manager suggested, “first Jamie Carragher says he doesn’t want to play for me, then it’s Luke Young at right back. Now suddenly there’s a third defender – a holier than thou trinity, no?”.

Rumours are circulating around the FA headquarters of a rival national team being put together, although suggestions that they will be called New England are believed to be very wide of the mark. Fears are growing for the England midfield, with either Gerrard or Lampard widely expected to be next to publicly fall out.

With just a few months to go until the World Cup finals, Capello is obviously keen to make sure his best players resist any temptation to join the scab XI. He finished by declaring ‘Hey Heskey, your wife is a fantastic lay, she is very good at playing in the hole, no? What you say about that, hey?’.

Church defends ‘bargain bin’ decision

The Church of England today came under renewed fire after the launch of its ‘bargain bin’ offers. This comes on the back of the recent ‘BOGOF’ deal combining a wedding with a child’s baptism, which attracted criticism in the way the church is trying to move with the times. Self-appointed moral leaders claimed that taking supermarket-style deals had gone too far.

One church, Saint Bury’s, defended the decision to put some of its unwanted parishioners on offer, including a spinster past her best before date, a slightly stale ginger man and a clumsy pensioner with bumps and bruises.

“We really don’t see the issue”, snorted Reverend Davies, “bargain bins seem to attract an almost cult following, with people rushing to grope and squeeze the goods. Old Margaret here would give her false eye teeth for that kind of attention”.

Bank of England steps in to stop ‘run’ on MPs

The Governor of the Bank of England took the unprecedented step today of underwriting all MPs, after an incredible amount of money was withdrawn from their accounts this week to pay back expenses.

It was feared that a ‘run’ could quickly gain momentum leading to many MPs vanishing from High Streets up and down the country.

“Some of these institutions have been around for centuries”, the Governor said, presumably with Tony Benn in mind. “We are keeping a keen eye on developments and hope our early actions will prevent any problems. Although, we anticipate having to merge some MPs together to keep them solvent; Ms Clare Short MP is already in talks with Mr Stephen Pound MP to become Pound-Short MP, whilst for comedy effect Mr Geoffrey Cox MP is lining up alongside Mr Ed Balls MP”.

He later added that he wouldn’t step in if they all lost their deposits at the next election.