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Government denies being out of touch after banning hashtags

Government forced to admit cold snap is deliberate attempt to reduce Tory voters

Government to pump billions into football after collapse of transfer system

Outrage as government leaves ‘no-fly list’ on plane

Government announces delays on the Poverty Line

Government announces launch of new Back Seat Driving Test

There was surprise today after the unexpected launch of the new Back Seat Driving Test, to be introduced later this year.

The written test will require applicants to fill in a series of multiple choice questions by reaching over an examiner’s shoulder, with bonus points available for changing answers in a smooth fashion. Whilst the practical will test the proficiency levels of reversing directions, turning into a monster and parallel sulking.

Motoring organisations largely welcomed the move with one source claiming that drivers spend most of their time looking in the rear view mirror purely to check their own safety from verbal attacks. A Department of Transport spokesman confirmed that the new initiative was in response to the rapid acceleration in back seat related accidents, which often end up with rapid acceleration into the car in front.

There had been questions raised over how involved the Prime Minister had been in the policy decision, although rumours of a mysterious moustachioed force steering the Government from behind Mr Brown were dismissed as ‘ridiculous’.

Crime rate is dropping according to stolen government memo

Government blamed for massive rise in backstabbings

Opposition parties and senior police officials united today to blame the Government for the sudden increase in reported backstabbings.

Despite highly publicised appeals for calm, many new backstabbings were reported in the dingy corridors of power and in the streets around Westminster. There was a surprise increase in female assailants, although one particular report of a red-headed dwarf attacker was treated with a degree of suspicion.

Artistic Licence to rise

Media types, talent show wannabes and accountants were furious today after the shock announcement that the price of an Artistic Licence is to go up by 15%.

“It’s the most shocking news I’ve heard since Diana died”, said one Soho luvvie leaving a lunch appointment late last night, “15%? That’s nearly an armful”.

The rise will also affect many athletes in preparation for the London 2012 Olympics. Faye Swan, preparing for that gruelling sport where you twist a ribbon about, sobbed “I’m not funded like those other top athletes who run and swim and stuff, so I’ll have to make do with the black and white licence. I was desperate to wear my purple sequinned number, which would have wowed the judges with its grace and splits up to my arse, so this will really affect my chances”.

A spokesman for the accountancy firm Finances Unlimited said it would cause more work for its employees, especially those working in the public sector, although FU would simply move loads of numbers around, invent a phrase that nobody actually understood and pass the charges on, with a ‘nice healthy mark-up’.

Government announces plans to merge MI6 with News of the World

A government spokesman today revealed plans to merge the organisation famed for secrecy and snooping with MI6.

“With their infrastructure clearly well set up for modern surveillance , it makes a lot of sense. And we expect to shift a lot of papers too, especially after we start blackmailing people”, admitted our source.

Some job losses are expected, as the two organisations streamline into one, although ‘Q’ is understood to have remained on the payroll to keep an eye on the News of the World’s regular target ‘DD’.