Opposition parties and senior police officials united today to blame the Government for the sudden increase in reported backstabbings.
Despite highly publicised appeals for calm, many new backstabbings were reported in the dingy corridors of power and in the streets around Westminster. There was a surprise increase in female assailants, although one particular report of a red-headed dwarf attacker was treated with a degree of suspicion.
After today’s surprise 1.2% increase in retail sales, many business analysts were left scratching their heads as to where such additional business had taken place.
The CBI’s Gary Connor said “we knew there’d been the odd new car shifted, plus Tamiflu seems to be developing a micro-economy of its own, but we were all stunned to see the headline rate increase so dramatically. We had a look through the papers for clues, but it was only when one of the guys came back from taking a dump that the penny dropped. He’d been having a flick through the sports pages, which of course were filled with new Man City signings pretending to care about the club whilst pocketing vast sums of cash, and it all became clear”.
With the transfer window open until the end of August, retail sales are forecast to rise again next month. The official outlook for September is fucked.
More soon…
More soon…