The United Nations today confirmed that it will send peacekeepers to schools across the UK, in an attempt to quell widespread battles as to who will play Mary in the Nativity play.
Tensions have been running high on all sides, with sporadic fighting breaking out in many areas. “Sadly, the weapons used have become more advanced over the years”, confirmed a UN spokesman, “with many new cases of hitting-the-nerve agents, poison gassing and even Incendiary Moms.”
It had been hoped that the updated Oslo Accord would help give equal billing to shepherds, innkeepers and the arse-end of donkeys, but parental representatives have rejected it outright.
Some schools have had to resort to desperate measures to try and maintain peace and goodwill. One Primary School in Gerrards Cross has even decided to protect its chosen Mary with a 14 foot wall. Although Headteacher Stephen Tomkins admitted that this had caused unforeseen problems, revealing “we’re struggling to find enough kids whose parents are happy for them to be bricks”.
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The literary world was stunned by the latest print edition of Tolstoy’s famous novel War & Peace, which has been described by many reviewers as ‘unpickable’.
With over half a million words, the meaty tome has always been a heavyweight read, but the new hardback has been particularly hard on the back.
One eager commuter had to be rescued from the Circle Line yesterday after being stuck reading it for seven and a half hours on her way to work. “It certainly put Russia’s great battle with the French into context”, admitted Samantha Keen, “I only had a sandwich and a fizzy drink to keep me going, I just couldn’t shift the book off my lap”.
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“Never was so much owed by so many” not so well received this time around, confirmed a Labour spin doctor.
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The British Body of War Classification today ordered the Government to change the title of its blockbuster release ‘War on Terror’ to ‘War on Mild Peril’.
Many parents had complained that the use of the word terror before the 9pm watershed could cause anguish to younger viewers, especially to those caught up in the conflict. “We don’t think that it’s right for a 16 year old to be allowed into a war theatre to watch scenes of a graphic nature”, thundered one protestor.
Faced with the threat of having to raise the minimum army recruitment age to 18, the Government took the decision to instead change the title to a tamer alternative. Thousands of publicity posters have had to be reprinted. “Our troops are winning the fight in the challenging terrains of Iraq and Afghanistan”, a Government offical told us “but are coming under increasing pressure from the moral high ground”.
Posted 1 year, 2 months ago at 6:08 PM. Add a comment