here is the news

Energy companies appeal for calm as lucky pant washing overwhelms national grid

Millions complain as ITV fails to interrupt England game with ad breaks

Real world elects to join bankers instead

Despite public protestations that the bankers should join the real world, early exit polls reveal a huge majority in favour of joining the bankers’ world.

With seven figure salaries and guaranteed bonuses, bankers had come in for fervent criticism. But it now seems that their protected bubble of security is an attractive proposition for the common man, who currently averages £26k.

The banking community was said to be concerned over how the two sides would work together post-merger. One source, who refused to be named, suggested “it’s hard enough as it is fitting the over-inflated egos into the financial quarter, so I’ve no idea how we’re going to get another six billion in”.

WHO suspicion as China quarantines Tibet

There was deep suspicion today after news emerged that China had completely quarantined Tibet.

With swine flu becoming increasingly problematic for China, specialist Tami-tanks rolled into Lhasa’s streets this morning. A Chinese Government spokesman confirmed that this was planned to ‘restrict the spread of this virulent pox’,whilst rejecting completely rumours that anti-government protestors, Uighurs and people selling cheap Rolex knock-offs would also be quarantined.

Government announces plans to merge MI6 with News of the World

A government spokesman today revealed plans to merge the organisation famed for secrecy and snooping with MI6.

“With their infrastructure clearly well set up for modern surveillance , it makes a lot of sense. And we expect to shift a lot of papers too, especially after we start blackmailing people”, admitted our source.

Some job losses are expected, as the two organisations streamline into one, although ‘Q’ is understood to have remained on the payroll to keep an eye on the News of the World’s regular target ‘DD’.